The wonders of the natural world are without number, and something truly magnificent has reminded us just how beautiful this Earth can be: This stupid little bird probably has some dumb name like Violet Cockass or Billow-Throated Goochtail or something.
We are truly blessed to share our planet with such marvelous creatures.
We’re feeling deeply awestruck right now, because the little dumbass hanging out on this tree branch almost certainly possesses an idiotic name like the Thrusting Oafjay or the Crested Bukkake or whatever. This feathery dipshit is the product of millions of years of complex natural processes, and we’re lucky enough to stand here at the culmination of that evolutionary journey and go, “Oh shit, it’s a fuckin’ Applebottomed Beeshitter,” or something to that effect. It could have just been named something normal like a Northeastern Wood Sparrow or a Gray Wren, but thankfully some completely pudding-brained 1800s guy probably saw one and went, “Nope, I’m calling this a Yellow-Footed Hogsucker instead,” because everybody was lead-poisoned to shit around the time bird naming really took off and probably believed some wildly off-base stuff about these birds parasitizing hogs.
It’s so incredible that a birdwatcher could see this shitty little bird and go, “Wow, that’s a Tufted Percocet,” and then a second birdwatcher could come up and say, “Actually, the stripes along the wing mean it’s a Rimmed Honky.” And maybe a third birdwatcher—who even has some kind of degree in knowing what all these birds’ deranged names are—could tell them they’re both wrong, and in fact that particular dumb bird is a rare Dickmann’s Nut Swallow. Then they could stand around saying how exciting it is to see a Dickmann’s Nut Swallow this far north, how it’s usually just Hairy Nut Swallows around here, but changing migratory patterns could bring more Dickmann’s and perhaps even Creampied Nut Swallows if recent stupid little bird scholarship is to be believed.
That kind of splendor really takes your breath away.
It breaks our heart to think that climate change and habitat destruction might rob future generations of the chance to see this type of Piping Chumbawamba or Slammed Applebee’s or whatever for themselves. These creatures are truly extraordinary, and we owe it to our grandchildren to protect this tiny idiot, and indeed, all stupid birds with dumb names like Warbling Blumpkin and Titboobed Sudeikis and other stuff that’s somehow even dumber than that.
Wow, this natural encounter has really moved us. Here’s hoping these stupid little birds and their utterly moronic names are with us for many years to come!
